Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fake-localizing the news presents: Suburban Council shake-up sends Big 10 mascots to scramble

So, my editor, Nicole Russo, wants me to make sure that it is pointed out before the story begins that it is a parody. I told her that I trust you all to figure that out with no problem. She responded by saying that she trusted that she could ram a deep-sea fishing hook into my eye if I didn’t. She also wants me to let you know that she didn’t actually say that. Such is journalism.
Sorry Big East fans.


SARATOGA SPRINGS — Big 10 football school mascots will meet Tuesday night in Schenectady to discuss the conference’s future, following news that three of its schools, A Albany, B Amsterdam and AA LaSalle will be leaving in 2012 to join the new Suburban Council superconference, which will be expanding to 16 teams with the addition of AA Queensbury.
The addition of the four high schools gives the Suburban Council schools in the lucrative television markets of Troy, Albany, Saratoga Springs, Glens Falls, and Clifton Park, earmarking the conference for a television deal from TWS3 that could now reach the $3,000 mark the conference had originally been asking for.
“The school needs to generate money from somewhere, and that $187.50 portion exceeds any other single source of funding we get toward updating the basics the school just can’t keep up with,” said the Ballston Spa Scottie. “We welcome the new schools as heroes for getting us the cash before we had to put out a racy calendar or something. That $187.50 has been budgeted to bump up our chalk supply to the name-brand type that doesn’t have that asbestos filler.”
While the news is good for Suburban Council schools, the announcement raises questions and concerns for the Big 10 schools which had been competing for that sweet, sweet television deal. Schenectady, the last of the Big 10 AA schools, is rumored to be looking into taking Queensbury’s spot in the Foothills Conference, further diminishing the conference’s allure to schools that may want to join.
Three mascots from within the Big 10 said that presidents and athletic directors from the conference’s seven remaining football members will meet to discuss whether the conference should attempt to replace the departing schools, or attempt to merge with either the Wasaren Conference or the Foothills.
“It really hurts the fans who love to follow the natural rivalries of Big 10 football,” said the Christian Brothers Academy Brother. “I don’t know how I am going to generate the attendance for a home game against Scotia-Glenville. What are they?...The Tartans?! It’s going to be a rough 2012 I can tell you that much.”